It's okay to have feelings.

 It's okay to have feelings. Emotions are a part of life. Learning to control them is tough. It's a lot harder than one may think. You have the good days and the bad days. I have been divorced now for 5 years and I am pretty sure that the rollercoaster ride got a lot wilder in these 5 years. It's the back and forth, the not knowing. It's the constant feeling of being unworthy or not good enough. 

Is it her or is it me this month. The fact that I have actually allowed myself to get in this situation is embarrassing. That's not love for me or her. That is a confused man that needs to get his act together. I feel like no matter how many times God brings it to his attention, he is going to block it. I truly don't understand how he sees nothing wrong with his actions. At least it's not a different woman every night. But that one he keeps running back to She must be as stupid as I have been. They aren't in love, they are in lust. Both confused as ever.

I truly want to remain positive about it all. Just simply be done with all of this mess. I know that there is a good man out there somewhere. One day, when the time is right, God will bring him to me. I want someone that my kids will love and respect. That is so important to me. This person will play a big part in their lives weather they realize it or not. 

I am a dreamer. A lot of times I think there will never be anyone that comes around that I will think is good enough. Not just for me but for my kids. There is the possibility that it will just always be me. If that's the case then that will be fine too. My kiddos give me purpose and drive. God and my babies is all I will ever truly need. 

I know that sounds cliche, I get it. But, I am basically a hermit these days anyway. Getting out gives me anxiety. I fear that my life has become so pulled back that I will not allow for another to enter it anyway. 

One step at a time though! I have to focus on the growth of my business. I have to let that be my focus. I can't be concerned about where he is or who he is with. I have to let him go! I have to close that door and I have to move on!! The time that I have wasted I will never get back. Time that could have been given to someone that would have appreciated it. 

I know I am going on and on, this is my source of venting. I literally have no one that I talk to about these things. It has drug on for so long that it would  be annoying  to go back to them with the same drama. It's olds, they told me, I didn't listen, the end. My problems to deal with, not theirs. Honestly I don't want other people in my life. The smaller my circle the easier it is. I use to want more friends, now I want none. My best friend isn't really even my best friend anymore. She just someone I see on occasion. I haven't processed that loss either. But, I am super proud of her. She has made something of herself. I hope life treats her good. She has a sweet soul.

I use to be closer to my mom, but these days judgement is all I really feel. It's like I can't please her. I will never be good enough. She wanted me to become someone that she could be proud of. I am not that person. I am not close with any of my brothers. I guess life just has a way of pulling people a part. If my kids weren't so involved and happy, I'd be packed up and headed somewhere else to live life for a while. Preferably a cabin in the middle of the mountains somewhere. 

You know I really want to build my business up to at least be able to go to the mountains. I don't really expect too get rich, I just want to have a comfortable life for my kids! That's it. I just want to take the best care of them that I can. I want them to be proud of me. I want them to love me and to trust me. 

It's time to let go of the past. It's time to move on. Let the healing be complete and to look another direction in my life.